The final part of WikiTheatre has landed

So here we are...the final part of our brand new concept - WikiTheatre. We've had a ball reading all your brilliant responses to the scenes by James Graham and Jay Taylor and we hope you enjoy reading the final piece of the puzzle. So congratulations to our final writer, LISA CARROLL, who submitted the great piece below.

Enjoy reading, and don't forget we'll be presenting the entire play LIVE this Sunday, at NABOKOV RE-LOADED. We start at 4pm at Soho Theatre downstairs, with a really great line up and the chance to be the first to hear about all our new plans. We're also really keen to meet new faces and potential new collaborators.

Get your tickets to NABOKOV RE-LOADED using the link below:


by Lisa Carroll

5 years later.

Luke is in the store cupboard at work sweating profusely, barely able to draw breath, pacing and shaking his arms. 

Fast – snappy:

Luke – Shitshitshitshitshitshit Shit SHIT shit shit

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok shit

Shit ok shit

Ok. Ok. Ok.

[There’s a knock on the door.]

SHIT shit shit shit shit shit shit go away –

No no no no no no /no no no

Tim – Luke / what’re you

Luke – Don’t don’t don’t don’t no no / no no no no no

Tim – Luke / what’s

Luke – Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God / Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God shit shit shit shit

Tim – LUKE, Jesus Christ / would you –

Luke – I can’t feel my arms I can’t do anything with Tim why can’t I feel my arms? Oh shit shit shit  shit on a shitting -

Tim – Luke, ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok calm calm down look at me ok calm down ok? LOOK AT ME

Luke – My arms I’ve I’m having a heart attack maybe I can’t feel them they’ve gone numb

Tim – You’re ok, okay? You’re ok? Breathe, take a breath, breathe, look at me, BREATHE

Luke – Ok, ok ok ok I yeah ok ok ok ok

Tim – Breathe

Like – Ok. Ok ok ok.              Ok.


Ok I’m breathing now

Tim – Ok

Are you ok?

Luke – No

Tim – Can you feel your / hands

Luke – Tingling

Tim – Ok.

Luke, what / happened–

Luke – No no no no no no no / no no no I I I I I I I

Tim – Ok, ok ok you don’t have to – just just stay calm / ok calm

Luke – [For breath control:] Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, / hah, hah, hah hah.

Tim – Ok well let me know um

Let me know if you’re going to come out

Luke – Shit, no don’t, shit no don’t go Tim Tim Tim Tim

Tim – Um

Luke – One minute one minute ok? One minute

Tim – OK

Luke – They – it’s

I’m fine I’ll be out in a minute just stand there can you stand there ok

Tim – Sure. Ok.

Luke – Thank you

Tim – Do you want some water?

Luke – No no no, no thank you.

Tim – Ok. What / about

Luke – No. Just stand there. / Just let me

Tim – Yep. Ok. Okay.  Luke, what’s

Luke – Tess just called

Tim  – Tess?

Luke – Tess.

Tim – Shit.

Luke – Exactly. Exactly, so. This is it. This is it! It’s it. This. Exactly what we dreaded/ happening

Tim – No it –

Luke – No, it is, it’s happening and and and then suddenly I thought wow, oh my God, my life, my  my my house, my computer, Melissa, they’re all

Tim – No, I’m sure / it’s not

Luke – It is. We’re going into administration. That’s it. The final word.

Tim – So your

Luke – And yours. All of us. That’s it. End of the line. No more you, no more me, no more Durex, no           more nothing. SHIT shit shit shit shit –

Tim – Luke, BREATHE

Luke – Ok

Tim – Breathe

Luke – Ok.  Yes. I am.

Tim – Okay. So why –

Luke – Because no one’s fucking having sex anymore Tim is why, you fucking – we are completely  and utterly obsolete

Tim – But –

Luke – When was the last time you touched someone, Tim? When? Exactly. Let know

Tim – Right. Are you –

Luke – Well yeah I’m breathing now but I don’t feel any bloody better, no.

Tim – Ok. So what do we – is there anything we / can –

Luke – The board is coming in any minute now. Emergency meeting. I have to stand in front of  them in in in as soon as I get out of this closet basically

Tim – And say what?

Luke – Exactly. Help me. Tim, I need you to help me –

Tim – But I –

Luke – I know you’re not as stupid as you look, come ON, Tim

Tim – We need to – what – save the / whole flipping company?

Luke – Convince them not to – exactly. Come on Tim I’m clutching at fucking straws here. It’s your head on the chopping block next to mine. They’re out there, Tim, they’re out there.

Tim – Shit. Shit shit shit SHIT Luke


Tim – OK. Ok ok ok ok ok ok

Luke – THINK

Tim – OK – We need people to have sex. That that that therapy thing that that – it doesn’t – didn’t            work. Does it? They tried it and it didn’t work.

Luke – And, AND?

Tim – Luke, you’re the –


Tim – OKAY. Okay. Get them having sex. Make the people have sex. Make them want to have sex.             What’s nice about sex?

Luke – Nothing –

Tim – Right – nothing. So how do you get people to do what you know they don’t want to do – how             do you get them to do it anyway?

Luke – Okay... keep going...

Tim – Luke I don’t / know if I –

Luke – Tim, keep thinking or I will I will attach this this stapler to your balls, I can’t – I can’t lose –             Melissa – she’s  all I – I never even fucking got her insured I’m only half way through the payments –

Tim – I – I – Ok – Look, stop – just keep breathing – I’ll come up with something, don’t worry I’ll


Incentive. Some kind of incentive.

Luke – RIGHT

Tim – Prizes or or or or

Luke – Prizes for  having sex

Tim – For buying the –

Luke – Like – like a scratch card or – or lucky – you know

Tim – They buy the condoms they’re in with a chance of

Luke – Yes – ok

Tim – So it’s like the benefits of buying them are more than.

Like you’re not just buying them just for sex

Luke – OR – or there’s

We do give out prizes for sex. Make sex. Make it cool again – touching cool again

Tim – How – how how how can we

Luke – Get – I don’t know get a pop star doing it or something hire people to

Tim – Hire people?

Luke – Well no not like

Tim – Like prostitutes?

Luke – Well yes but – well that died out but something – something / new

Tim – Luke, I don’t know if I –

I’m only a Junior member of

And the idea of – maybe

Maybe we can’t fight the pull of the tide?

You know?

Luke – You’re talking shit, Tim

Tim – Maybe if people don’t want to

Do that anymore

We should         leave them to it. And just         take the wrap.

It’s our ... time. To go.



Luke – This company is my life blood, Tim. And you need to help me find a way to keep it pumping.

Tim – Yeah, I just / feel a bit

Luke – If you don’t do this I will go to your house and I will take Laura and I will run my car over her face and make you watch as the screen cracks.

Tim – You –

Luke – I would.

So I need you to think. I need you to give me an idea I can pitch that I can go out there in one minute and pitch. Which will work

You need to get people buying condoms.

You need to get them having sex and liking it.

Think of Laura.

Tim – She’s all I

Luke – Exactly

Tim – She’s irrepl/aceable

Luke – Exactly.

Tim – Tim, you can’t

[Luke takes his car keys out of his  pocket and jingles them.]

Ok. So what you tell them is

Is this


You’re going to run a campaign

You’re going to get

Get uh


Tim – You’re going to get Miley Cyrus to make sex cool again by by by having loads of sex on TV


Tim – You’re going to pay people to go out and have sex with people to remind people that sex is nice


Tim – NO  no no you you you’re going to to to to make sex make it – profitable

That’s it that –

Make it profitable

People don’t want sex they want money they don’t have sex because they’re too busy earning                               money but what if you can make it that the incentive to have sex is so high that they’re willing to                         brave it?

We’ll tell them if they buy our condoms we’ll  we’ll end world hunger or

Luke – No one gives a shit about world hunger they never fucking have, Tim, otherwise it’d be sorted            / by now – sweet Jesus come on they’re –

Tim – Ok ok ok OKAY

What about like the way that you – when you recycle bottles, right – you get like 5p a bottle

Luke – What the fuck are you talking about Tim / we have no time

Tim – Luke – what if like, what if for every used condom – like a bottle bank – for every time you    have sex every time you use a condom – you get – get 5p

Luke – That’s gross

Tim – Because you’ve –

Luke – Oh God I think I can hear / something –

Tim – Because you’ve helped / the world in a way –

Luke – They’re here I think they’re here –

Tim – And if – if you have enough – have enough sex – you win a car?

Luke – Tim that’s absolutely sick –

Tim – I know I’m sorry, Luke, but I

Luke – It’s sick

Tim – Luke I’m trying my best here to think of

Luke – I – fuck Tess is ringing me –

I think we should try it

Tim – The - ?

Luke – It’s like charity sex

Or kind of

Helping the world sex

Get your money back sex

Everyone loves cars

Tim – Luke do you think they’ll

Luke – This is the only thing we have, Tim

Tim – Luke, are you going to hurt / Laura?

Luke – Give me your jacket.

Tim – What?

Luke – Give me your jacket. Mine’s covered in sweat.

Tim – No, I

Luke – I will take a hammer to Laura’s face and hit and hit and hit til she cracks and then I will reach            my hand in and pull out the wiring now give me your jacket.

Thank you. Here

Tim – This is –

Luke – PUT IT ON

Now go. You’ve got a pitch to make

Tim – Me?

Luke – I don’t want them thinking it was my idea if they don’t like it

Tim – But I’m only –

Luke – Exactly so if they do like it don’t worry I’ll take credit

Tim – Luke, you’re

Luke – I don’t care what you think I am get out of this fucking stationary cupboard and go save this company before I get Tess to come and touch you.

Tim – Shit –

Luke – Touch you with her hands on your hands and if you REALLY piss me off she will touch your face

Tim – Shit shit shit shit shit shit

Luke – Breathe, Tim,


Luke – Man up, Tim

Tim – Shit shit shit no no okay shit shit ok

Luke – GO