So here we are...the final part of our brand new concept - WikiTheatre. We've had a ball reading all your brilliant responses to the scenes by James Graham and Jay Taylor and we hope you enjoy reading the final piece of the puzzle. So congratulations to our final writer, LISA CARROLL, who submitted the great piece below.
Enjoy reading, and don't forget we'll be presenting the entire play LIVE this Sunday, at NABOKOV RE-LOADED. We start at 4pm at Soho Theatre downstairs, with a really great line up and the chance to be the first to hear about all our new plans. We're also really keen to meet new faces and potential new collaborators.
Get your tickets to NABOKOV RE-LOADED using the link below:
by Lisa Carroll
5 years later.
Luke is in the store cupboard at work sweating profusely, barely able to draw breath, pacing and shaking his arms.
Fast – snappy:
Luke – Shitshitshitshitshitshit Shit SHIT shit shit
Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok shit
Shit ok shit
Ok. Ok. Ok.
[There’s a knock on the door.]
SHIT shit shit shit shit shit shit go away –
No no no no no no /no no no
Tim – Luke / what’re you
Luke – Don’t don’t don’t don’t no no / no no no no no
Tim – Luke / what’s
Luke – Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God / Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God shit shit shit shit
Tim – LUKE, Jesus Christ / would you –
Luke – I can’t feel my arms I can’t do anything with Tim why can’t I feel my arms? Oh shit shit shit shit on a shitting -
Tim – Luke, ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok calm calm down look at me ok calm down ok? LOOK AT ME
Luke – My arms I’ve I’m having a heart attack maybe I can’t feel them they’ve gone numb
Tim – You’re ok, okay? You’re ok? Breathe, take a breath, breathe, look at me, BREATHE
Luke – Ok, ok ok ok I yeah ok ok ok ok
Tim – Breathe
Like – Ok. Ok ok ok. Ok.
Ok I’m breathing now
Tim – Ok
Are you ok?
Luke – No
Tim – Can you feel your / hands
Luke – Tingling
Tim – Ok.
Luke, what / happened–
Luke – No no no no no no no / no no no I I I I I I I
Tim – Ok, ok ok you don’t have to – just just stay calm / ok calm
Luke – [For breath control:] Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, / hah, hah, hah hah.
Tim – Ok well let me know um
Let me know if you’re going to come out
Luke – Shit, no don’t, shit no don’t go Tim Tim Tim Tim
Tim – Um
Luke – One minute one minute ok? One minute
Tim – OK
Luke – They – it’s
I’m fine I’ll be out in a minute just stand there can you stand there ok
Tim – Sure. Ok.
Luke – Thank you
Tim – Do you want some water?
Luke – No no no, no thank you.
Tim – Ok. What / about
Luke – No. Just stand there. / Just let me
Tim – Yep. Ok. Okay. Luke, what’s
Luke – Tess just called
Tim – Tess?
Luke – Tess.
Tim – Shit.
Luke – Exactly. Exactly, so. This is it. This is it! It’s it. This. Exactly what we dreaded/ happening
Tim – No it –
Luke – No, it is, it’s happening and and and then suddenly I thought wow, oh my God, my life, my my my house, my computer, Melissa, they’re all
Tim – No, I’m sure / it’s not
Luke – It is. We’re going into administration. That’s it. The final word.
Tim – So your
Luke – And yours. All of us. That’s it. End of the line. No more you, no more me, no more Durex, no more nothing. SHIT shit shit shit shit –
Tim – Luke, BREATHE
Luke – Ok
Tim – Breathe
Luke – Ok. Yes. I am.
Tim – Okay. So why –
Luke – Because no one’s fucking having sex anymore Tim is why, you fucking – we are completely and utterly obsolete
Tim – But –
Luke – When was the last time you touched someone, Tim? When? Exactly. Let alone...you know
Tim – Right. Are you –
Luke – Well yeah I’m breathing now but I don’t feel any bloody better, no.
Tim – Ok. So what do we – is there anything we / can –
Luke – The board is coming in any minute now. Emergency meeting. I have to stand in front of them in in in as soon as I get out of this closet basically
Tim – And say what?
Luke – Exactly. Help me. Tim, I need you to help me –
Tim – But I –
Luke – I know you’re not as stupid as you look, come ON, Tim
Tim – We need to – what – save the / whole flipping company?
Luke – Convince them not to – exactly. Come on Tim I’m clutching at fucking straws here. It’s your head on the chopping block next to mine. They’re out there, Tim, they’re out there.
Tim – Shit. Shit shit shit SHIT Luke
Luke – I KNOW. THINK TIM.
Tim – OK. Ok ok ok ok ok ok
Luke – THINK
Tim – OK – We need people to have sex. That that that therapy thing that that – it doesn’t – didn’t work. Does it? They tried it and it didn’t work.
Luke – And, AND?
Tim – Luke, you’re the –
Luke – BUT I HIRED YOU TO THINK TO THINK FOR ME SO THINK, TIM OTHERWISE I WILL FIRE YOU BEFORE THEY EVEN GET A CHANCE TO FIRE YOU
Tim – OKAY. Okay. Get them having sex. Make the people have sex. Make them want to have sex. What’s nice about sex?
Luke – Nothing –
Tim – Right – nothing. So how do you get people to do what you know they don’t want to do – how do you get them to do it anyway?
Luke – Okay... keep going...
Tim – Luke I don’t / know if I –
Luke – Tim, keep thinking or I will I will attach this this stapler to your balls, I can’t – I can’t lose – Melissa – she’s all I – I never even fucking got her insured I’m only half way through the payments –
Tim – I – I – Ok – Look, stop – just keep breathing – I’ll come up with something, don’t worry I’ll
Incentive. Some kind of incentive.
Luke – RIGHT
Tim – Prizes or or or or
Luke – Prizes for having sex
Tim – For buying the –
Luke – Like – like a scratch card or – or lucky – you know
Tim – They buy the condoms they’re in with a chance of
Luke – Yes – ok
Tim – So it’s like the benefits of buying them are more than.
Like you’re not just buying them just for sex
Luke – OR – or there’s
We do give out prizes for sex. Make sex. Make it cool again – touching cool again
Tim – How – how how how can we
Luke – Get – I don’t know get a pop star doing it or something hire people to
Tim – Hire people?
Luke – Well no not like
Tim – Like prostitutes?
Luke – Well yes but – well that died out but something – something / new
Tim – Luke, I don’t know if I –
I’m only a Junior member of
And the idea of – maybe
Maybe we can’t fight the pull of the tide?
Luke – You’re talking shit, Tim
Tim – Maybe if people don’t want to
Do that anymore
We should leave them to it. And just take the wrap.
It’s our ... time. To go.
Luke – This company is my life blood, Tim. And you need to help me find a way to keep it pumping.
Tim – Yeah, I just / feel a bit
Luke – If you don’t do this I will go to your house and I will take Laura and I will run my car over her face and make you watch as the screen cracks.
Tim – You –
Luke – I would.
So I need you to think. I need you to give me an idea I can pitch that I can go out there in one minute and pitch. Which will work
You need to get people buying condoms.
You need to get them having sex and liking it.
Think of Laura.
Tim – She’s all I
Luke – Exactly
Tim – She’s irrepl/aceable
Luke – Exactly.
Tim – Tim, you can’t
[Luke takes his car keys out of his pocket and jingles them.]
Ok. So what you tell them is
You’re going to run a campaign
You’re going to get
Luke – HURRY THE FUCK UP TIM
Tim – You’re going to get Miley Cyrus to make sex cool again by by by having loads of sex on TV
Luke – SHE ALREADY DID THAT AND PEOPLE HATED IT
Tim – You’re going to pay people to go out and have sex with people to remind people that sex is nice
Luke – THAT’S NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANT LUKE
Tim – NO no no you you you’re going to to to to make sex make it – profitable
That’s it that –
Make it profitable
People don’t want sex they want money they don’t have sex because they’re too busy earning money but what if you can make it that the incentive to have sex is so high that they’re willing to brave it?
We’ll tell them if they buy our condoms we’ll we’ll end world hunger or
Luke – No one gives a shit about world hunger they never fucking have, Tim, otherwise it’d be sorted / by now – sweet Jesus come on they’re –
Tim – Ok ok ok OKAY
What about like the way that you – when you recycle bottles, right – you get like 5p a bottle
Luke – What the fuck are you talking about Tim / we have no time
Tim – Luke – what if like, what if for every used condom – like a bottle bank – for every time you have sex every time you use a condom – you get – get 5p
Luke – That’s gross
Tim – Because you’ve –
Luke – Oh God I think I can hear / something –
Tim – Because you’ve helped / the world in a way –
Luke – They’re here I think they’re here –
Tim – And if – if you have enough – have enough sex – you win a car?
Luke – Tim that’s absolutely sick –
Tim – I know I’m sorry, Luke, but I
Luke – It’s sick
Tim – Luke I’m trying my best here to think of
Luke – I – fuck Tess is ringing me –
I think we should try it
Tim – The - ?
Luke – It’s like charity sex
Or kind of
Helping the world sex
Get your money back sex
Everyone loves cars
Tim – Luke do you think they’ll
Luke – This is the only thing we have, Tim
Tim – Luke, are you going to hurt / Laura?
Luke – Give me your jacket.
Tim – What?
Luke – Give me your jacket. Mine’s covered in sweat.
Tim – No, I
Luke – I will take a hammer to Laura’s face and hit and hit and hit til she cracks and then I will reach my hand in and pull out the wiring now give me your jacket.
Thank you. Here
Tim – This is –
Luke – PUT IT ON
Now go. You’ve got a pitch to make
Tim – Me?
Luke – I don’t want them thinking it was my idea if they don’t like it
Tim – But I’m only –
Luke – Exactly so if they do like it don’t worry I’ll take credit
Tim – Luke, you’re
Luke – I don’t care what you think I am get out of this fucking stationary cupboard and go save this company before I get Tess to come and touch you.
Tim – Shit –
Luke – Touch you with her hands on your hands and if you REALLY piss me off she will touch your face
Tim – Shit shit shit shit shit shit
Luke – Breathe, Tim,
Tim – SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
Luke – Man up, Tim
Tim – Shit shit shit no no okay shit shit ok
Luke – GO